confession

i'm about to let you into a very deep, dark fear of mine.

you see, i didn't even really know i had this fear until recently.

and in fact it became so evident to me a few nights ago while i was watching the other woman.

who cries hysterically while watching a natalie portman movie? by themselves no less. me, that's who.

in the movie, natalie portman's character falls for a married man and they begin an affair that leads to a pregnancy and the two of them getting married and attempting to live happily ever after.

sounds happy, right?

not right.

you see just three days after their baby girl was born, she died.

now, here's where my hysterics come in.

i'll be honest. the whole idea of marriage scares me. don't get me wrong, i want to get married (in fact my sisterly use to tease me that i was born to be married. something instilled in my blood maybe?) and i believe i will. but the thought of forever is a little daunting, no? on top of that you're giving your everything to one person. putting all your eggs in a basket, let's say. and that kind of vulnerability, well quite frankly, it scares the shit out of me. i believe in marriage and i believe in forever. but i certainly don't want to get hurt. i don't want things to fall apart. i don't even want things to be hard (which i know they will be. not everything can be rainbows and unicorns!) but i don't know if i could deal with infidelity. it would shake me to the core. break me down until i was nothing. i'm sure i would find a way to pull through it but i don't know that i'd ever be myself again (and i'll say right now that it's a good thing i've found a man who would never do this. sorry, just had to be said.). it's hard to put myself in that situation and i might feel totally different if it really happened but at this point in time, it would destroy me.

now, add on top of that children. i know i want to be a mom (someday, far away from now) but it's scary deciding that you're ready to bring a child into this (sometimes) awful world. that you take full responsibility for the health and welfare and happiness of another human being. taking care of a dog is easy but a kid, holy crap. i love the kiddos. if i didn't i wouldn't be a nanny. i spend 5o hours a week taking care of two little girls. and i certainly would do anything for them to be healthy and happy. i can't even imagine what it will be like with my own. it blows my mind the love a mother has for her child(ren).

now, add on top of having children, losing a child. can you imagine? for those of you who have, i can't begin to understand. it's devastating and as i was watching this character go through it (in a freaking movie, ashley!) i couldn't help but weep for every woman who's lost a child. every woman who is afraid to have a child or try again for fear that this could happen.

i guess what i'm trying to say (out loud) is that one of my greatest fears in life is having a child of my own taken away from me. whether they died in the womb, at a few days old, or a few years old, or many, many years down the road.

i have to go first. i need to go first. isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

so when i joke about not getting married or never having children, it's not because i'm selfish or because i don't want the responsibility. it's because i'm terrified. terrified of loving a man so much that i would give myself up and be crushed if it wasn't returned. terrified of loving a child so much that if it were taken from me i might not be able to live. terrified that i might lose everything if i allow myself to give it all up for the dream of a family. love. unconditional love.